Confessions of a Perfctionist

A few nights ago, as I was falling asleep, I got company. It crawled in bed with me and whispered me something. I can’t remember what it was because I was half asleep, but that’s the way perfection works, it kisses me right when I’m the most vulnerable. The next morning I got up feeling perfect and in control, not good. By now I recognize the pattern, just like a roller coaster, the calm that comes right before the drop. Less than two hours later a flurry of endless thoughts, plans, the blueprints for my life. When my perfectionism kicks in, fear runs in spiral and just being becomes a nightmare. Fear of not being good enough, of not being perfct. Fear of the unknown, of making mistkes, etc., the list is endless. As a result, I start demanding answers and that’s when all the planning and micromanaging start. So I decided to sabotage myself, took out pen and paper and wrote most of what went through my head for about 90 minutes. This is all my dirty laundry, whites and darks -mixed.

  1. I don’t get why people drive by my house to take a look. Just to save you the trip, my place is ugly.
  2. I have a love-hate relationship with veganism. It’s a process, a slow one.
  3. I was taught to only love God however I love my iPhone.
  4. I laugh out loud.
  5. What I miss the most about my childhood: ________________.
  6. Changes make me feel uneasy but I hate routine.
  7. The first thing I notice in a guy are his hands.
  8. Besides the many times I’ve seen myself in the mirror and in pictures I really don’t know how I look. The physical perception I have of myself depends solely on external information. A Buddhist nun made me aware of this.
  9. When I die please be quiet. Kind of hard to figure out which way to go with all that bawling.
  10. I hate TV. There’s nothing new about news.
  11. I usually follow instructions but I hate to be told what to do.
  12. I have never lied.
  13. Ok, sometimes.
  14. I think I was unfaithful once.
  15. I’m shallow: it all depends on how well you kiss.
  16. I have faded panties that I love, they’re pretty much like me: pale but loyal.
  17. Sometimes I think I can read people’s minds.
  18. Passion: the hand that rules the world.
  19. What do God, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy have in common? The answer is in the first sentence.
  20. Shopping: a waste of time.
  21. I have sworn in vain. And I’ve done it on purpose.
  22. I once went to see a fortune teller. He told me scary stuff that became true years later. I never went back.
  23. I don’t like needy, clingy people.
  24. Wisdom and madness go hand by hand. I need more madness.
  25. Let all concepts be consumed into nothingness. Even this one.
  26. Discipline: What I don’t want to do right now.
  27. Two words: Salvador Dali.
  28. I’m selfish: The world is full of people who want to change the world but not themselves.
  29. I hate sugar coated lies. Because the truth is better than bullshit.
  30. Myths: always, never, anymore.
  31. I hate pink
  32. But I love blue and orange.
  33. I can’t hold eye contact for long. It’s an intrusion to my world.
  34. Let all beauty contests be gulped by a giant squid. They promote something non existent.
  35. Sometimes I’m judgmental.
  36. Ego, you make everything so complicated.
  37. I hate people that deliver empty promises.
  38. Patriarchal world from its beginnings: Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed.
  39. I have a closet full of clothes so why exactly do I always wear the same thing?
  40. I’m giving away my thoughts and preconceived ideas, any takers?
  41. We are feminine and masculine, hot and cold, light and darkness, yin and yang.
  42. I wear my watch on my right hand. I love to think me a lefty.
  43. It’s a battle to go to bed early. The party starts at 10!
  44. I get offended if someone smirks right as I’m saying something important.
  45. Afraid of boredom.
  46. I have a crooked toe. This mortifies me tremendously, seriously.
  47. We should teach our ABCs more like ZYXs.
  48. Goal: around the world in 80 years.
  49. How would it feel not to be?
  50. I’m obsessed with pillows, sometimes I write a “P” on them to mark my territory.
  51. Isn’t gross to suck out of someone’s straw?
  52. Left and right are relative concepts. The same applies to all other concepts.
  53. My first kiss was with a gay. I liked it. A lot.
  54. Someone once told me: “My love for you is unconditional but …”.
  55. Time: my worst enemy. It always gets there first.
  56. I don’t trust people, especially after I know them.
  57. I would have given anything to be born in the roof of the world.
  58. I lied. I said this was all my dirty laundry but is not. Why would I do that?



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